After getting out of our pool one summer night, Vanessa and I ran over to the fire pit in the yard to keep warm. After a few moments, I told Vanessa to take off her suit and that I would do the same and that we could stay snuggly, just wrapped up in our towels. As you might agree, sitting in a wet suit when the air becomes chilly makes things quite uncomfortable. And extra dampness down south can also be quite problematic. As we watched the flames flicker, we waited for our pizza delivery that was due to arrive any minute. Feeling silly, Vanessa lifted her towel and put her ass over the flames. Feeling tipsy, I did the same. For some reason (the wine likely) I forgot that food was on the way and that I had told the delivery guy to come right into the backyard because I’d never hear the door bell ring. What a shock it must have been for him when he approached the fence only to see both of our bare roasting above the fire pit. Yikes!! His tip was hush money, for sure.
I tried Boogie Boarding and got tangled up in a wave that pushed me quickly and awkwardly towards the beach. When I finally hit the shore, I wound up with my face in the crotch of a teenage boy. Between this landing position and the massive wedgie I had, things were not looking good. I looked up at him from his young groin area and apologized profusely. I then stood up, picked my ass and walked away. I think I’ll keep my boogying to the dance floor. To prepare for a rainy day on a beach vacation, I pack plenty of games to keep the kids busy. Naturally they tear into them upon waking up to the rain and at the first break of sunshine they bail, leaving the mess behind. When I was cleaning up after them at the shore house recently, I stepped on a Lego piece with my barefoot. It was like stepping on a landmine. FUCKER that hurt! Our family went to Great Adventure recently and naturally, there was drama for us. When Adam and my youngest, Vanessa rode the 15 story high Ferris Wheel, I stood firmly planted on the ground with Ella. We are both very scared of heights and didn’t want to join the other half of our family on the ride. But after an hour and going on a few other rides, Ella wanted to give the Ferris Wheel a shot. For some ungodly reason, I said I would go as well. I think I was trying to be brave for her. The minute I got on - I wanted to die. I was in a complete state of panic – heart pounding, hands sweating, lips twitching. I kept my eyes closed and yelled at everyone to keep still so that the torture chamber we were sitting in wouldn’t rock back and forth. Just as my shallow breathing paced and we were circling around to the top again, a bug flew into our cart. Ella noticed the moth on her leg and flipped her shit. She moved around wildly, Vanessa was yelling at her to sit still, Adam was waving his arms around trying to kill the offending insect and I was screaming with my eyes shut tight for everyone to stop moving. I imagined from the ground park guests could witness the complete chaos - the cart swinging in the breeze, people yelling like lunatics, someone sobbing loudly (me!). How did that fucking moth even fly so high up to reach us? With all efforts to try and set an example of bravery or bond as a family on a mellow ride or have any fun - this was by far an EPIC FAIL to say the least. |
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