Disney. It's supposed to be the most magical place on Earth.  And in the spirit of imagination and storytelling - it is.   In the reality of life where there are exhausted children, frustrated parents and a heat wave – the fantasy is dead.

It was late Fall when we took our girls. We thought it would be a nice time of year to enjoy the Florida weather. The first day was perfectly cool but it rained.  We bought ponchos and looked like condoms of varying sizes and colors walking around the park.  While serving a purpose, it was an uncomfortable wardrobe add-on.  The plastic would stick to wet skin or get snagged up in our backpacks making things hot and awkward.

By the second day, the heat was intense.  The lines for the attractions were long and we had a stroller for Vanessa that had a funky wheel and required a rocket-scientist to figure out how to close it. This might be fine if we didn’t have to get on and off a bus or monorail to jump from park to park.  And with being totally anal around our schedule to get to the must-see attractions and all reservations, we were in and out of parks every few hours.   

It was the day before our last day of vacation, when Adam hit his limit and crowds and heat, had finally made him snap.  The park had closed while the girls and were finishing up in the bathroom (the 100th time we made a lavatory pit stop). It still amazes me that no matter how little the kids drink or how many times we stop, my children feel the need to visit every bathroom  that we pass.  This same thing happens every time we go into a store too. I am just about ready to get into my shopping mode – game face and happy place – and one of them says they need to go the bathroom, breaking my momentum and mindset.  Then I bark at them to hurry and then feel guilty and spend the rest of the time buying them shit we don’t need. 

In this vacay moment, since we were on the opposite end of where the buses were parked to pick up guests and shuttle them to their hotels, we had to run to get to our ‘free’ transportation.  And I will say, we are not a running family. We are all at least 20 lbs. overweight and not physically skilled. If you see me running, there must be someone chasing me and even then, I might opt to just sit and close my eyes in hopes it would go around me.  

That in mind, it might be needless to say that we were just about to make the last bus.  Adam was pushing Vanessa wildly in her stroller, working very hard to keep it straight.  That crazy wheel didn’t make it easy.  Ella and I trailed behind,  bags of purchased goods in our hands, swinging around us as we  madly pushed through the last few steps to catch up to Adam and the bus stop. We were all breathing heavy.  The bus was full and waiting for us.

I gave Ella all the bags and got Vanessa out of her carriage.  Adam told us to get on board while he closed the stroller.  We found our place inside our ride, standing between the knees of the first two rows of people seated and facing towards the middle.  I was just getting myself and the girls settled in position to straddle other people’s strollers and backpacks when I looked out the window and saw our carriage raised over Adam’s head – and then smashing to the ground.  He did this several times.  

A light-up Minnie Mouse doll that was in the undercarriage flew out and her plastic eye pinged the glass bus window.  Two sets of Mardi Gras beads were tossed into the air, sparkling under the parking lot lights.  Things were flying, Adam was cursing – sounding a lot like the dad in “A Christmas Story” when he was mad at the furnace.  There was nothing Disney, or magical or quite frankly, normal about this moment.  

A Diet Coke bottle sailed into the air and landed at the feet of a young boy.  The bus driver asked Adam if he was coming onto the bus.  I started to sweat wondering if Adam would throw the stroller at the driver because he’d  be pissed that the driver just asked him if he was boarding.  I stretched, poking my head out the door and told Adam to just leave the stroller. By now, everyone was looking at either him or me or the shards of stroller remnants that were all over the sidewalk.   The young boy picked up the soda bottle and bravely handed it to Adam. He warned Adam softly said that it might explode and said to be careful opening it.   I don’t know if it was his small voice, the kind reminder or that Adam was just out of steam, but he took the bottle and thanked the boy.  After a pause, he turned back to the stroller and like a pro, he closed it with one twist of the handle. It folded like a surrendering solider. 

Adam got on board with the carriage in hand.   The whoosh of the door closing, set the air-conditioning on and the lights off.  No one on the bus said a word.  The crazy wheel of the stroller banged against the seat structure the entire time.  Adam watched it swivel and hit the metal bars. It was like it was taunting him.   After we got off the bus, and when most people were out of sight, Adam threw the stroller to the ground telling us again how much he “hated that fucking thing”.   I quietly swung Vanessa onto my hip and we all began to walk away from the mangled heap to head back to the hotel, and back to Jersey the next morning, sans stroller. 

Adam has a real problem with how much and how often I spend on my shopping addiction.  Although he would never admit that he too can go a little crazy with money, the proof came in the form of a new, shiny purchase for him.  And even with a bag full of goods at a fraction of what he spent, I was still the one who was “out of control”.  But in the end, I was actually very much in control.

After being together for so many years and going through the same purchase patterns, it amazes me that Adam still can't understand why one woman would need so many of dresses, shoes and purses.  His frustration with my overabundance was further punctuated when we were lying in bed one night and heard the wooden rack in my closet split in half and crash to the floor under the weight of too many clothes. 

It was so loud in the quite of the night that we both jumped up out of the bed.  My heart slowed down when I realized someone didn’t break into our house to try and kill us, but his heart only beat faster with fury.   I told him I would go through and get rid of some things but that we had to turn our spare bedroom into a walk-in closet for me.  There was just no way between the hundreds of pieces of clothing and pairs of shoes that I had, that I could make anything fit in the closet that was clearly just too small.

He agreed.  And it was perfect timing to make the change. I was just about to go away to the Bahamas on a girl’s weekend for my friend’s 40th birthday.  I would use this closet cleansing as a way to see what I could potentially buy while I was away (a new fun dress? An authentic island bathing suit? A cute pair of flip-flops?) and to pick out what I was going to pack. 

By the time I was done, I was impressed with myself.   Everything was organized – dresses on one wall, skirts and shirts on another.  Shorts and tees in one section and sweaters and leggings in another.  Six tubs of shoes and an armoire of pocketbooks and one special spot for my cowboy hat - the one I would wear once a year to the obligatory Bon Jovi concert - the staple summer event for every Jersey girl.

The kids came into “mommy’s new room” and we all marveled at my stuff.  They were playing “mommy” by putting on my high-heels and bracelets.

Even Adam was impressed with the purging and organizing of my wardrobe; oblivious to the fact that I left just enough room for any new purchases, whether while I was away or from one of my impending online orders.  With my new closet room, I was confident I could disguise my ever-expanding collection but I was warned.

The day I was set to leave for the trip, he cautioned me to “watch my spending”.  It irks the shit out of me when he reminds me of that before I set off to do something enjoyable. I never say that to him. And I guess I should.

My girlfriends and I were in Bahamas for five days. We had a blast – spending! - on food, drinks, and more drinks.  We went to the town market and I absolutely had to buy things.  First, it was near impossible to walk past the women selling their goods and following me with attractive offers. Second, my tourist dollars could help stimulate the economy thereby doing a huge service to keeping the island a promising travel destination for years to come.  I was really doing a good thing, right? 

By the time we were packing to head home from our trip, I had to buy a new carry-on bag that would better accommodate my purchases.  I rolled into Newark airport with five dresses for me, two for each daughter along with two wooden turtles for the girls and a t-shirt and baseball hat for Adam.

I pulled up to our house and was slightly hurt that Adam and the girls seemed to be out since his car wasn't in his usual parking spot.   As I turned to head into the house, I heard incessant honking from an unfamiliar blue car that was barreling toward our driveway.

As it pulled in closer, I realized it was my little family.   Adam was smiling ear to ear as he popped his head out the window and asked if I liked his new car.  What the fuck!? I have to worry about buying a dress or two and he buys a freakin’ automobile while I am away?!  My emotions went through a range before anyone could take off their seat-belt.  At first I was pissed because he always lectures me about money.  Then I was amazed because this was never discussed as part of a near-term need.  After that, I was offended that he didn't even want my opinion for such a big purchase. And finally - holy shit – I felt smug. Because he could not say a thing to me about my purchases.

I took a drive in the new ride and had to admit it was pretty nice. I would look damn good in my new sundress in our new car.  And even though I did think it was a great deal and the kind of second car we needed, there was no way I wasn't going to milk this a bit. I drummed up an argument, taking the position of being offended that I wasn't part of the process for buying the car and that I even felt hurt.  This made Adam feel bad and he apologized. I told him that it was fine but that I was trying to be good with money while I was away and so I needed to go out and buy something to both make me feel better (retail therapy is my favorite therapy!) and to feel validated.   He begrudgingly agreed and before I could unpack (and hide all my new dresses), I pressed “confirm order” on a swimsuit I was eyeing prior to my trip.  Done deal.

It might be wrong, but Adam and I have no problem vacationing without our kids. In fact, I will sometimes remind our girls of this as we are out at a family dinner or on a family vacation and they are acting up for no reason. It seems harsh when I say it aloud but perhaps it comes from daydreaming in those chaotic moments that we are alone, somewhere else.  We could be irresponsible and foolish, drunk and lazy.  Just like we were when we took our 5-year anniversary trip to Dominican Republic. 

Ella was only a few months old when we went on this first trip away from our new daughter. It was both scary and liberating.  My parents watched her at our home in Jersey while we flew away for some fun and sun in another country.  I was pretty nervous to leave her and as things would turn out, rightfully so. There was point where I feared the reality was never seeing her again.

I started the trip heading to the airport with my bottle of Xanax in-hand.  Once we landed, I called home every few hours.  Over the course of the first few days, I found myself crying several times.  By the third day, I was able to look at her framed photo on the hotel room nightstand and did not have a full on sob session or panic attack.

As the vacation progressed, it got easier to sit by the pool bar and drink umbrella cocktails.  Before we knew it, we were packing to go home and while eager to see Ella, my eyes were welling up and I was wishing we could stay.

And we almost had to.  As Adam and I walked into the small and empty airport to catch our flight home, we found one desk with a makeshift straw awning and what looked like a handmade sign identifying the spot to be for “departure check in”.  It was so quiet we could hear the ceiling fans overhead moving warm air around and the luggage belt humming beside us, barely carrying a bag or two.    

We gave the check-in clerk our name and in very broken English he told us were weren’t in the ticket system.  I assumed we misunderstood him or he didn’t look up our names correctly.  He checked again.  Nothing. I started to sweat. And panic.  Adam had maxed out on my breakdowns regarding Ella by this point and he told me to go sit somewhere while he worked things out for us. 

I found a little bench under a shady tree and rocked back and forth like a drug addict in withdrawal.  When Adam didn’t come to get me after only a few minutes, I went back to the desk. Before approaching Adam again, it seemed that things still weren’t good.  As I was walked faster, closing the gap between us, I was rummaging through my bag to get a photo of Ella. I figured anyone with human heart would let new parents board a plane.  And anyone with a brain would want a loon out of their country.  One of these tactics had to work.

Once I approached the ticketing agent, I haphazardly pushed Adam out of the way by throwing the top half of my body and the counter while frantically waving around the photo.  I was repeatedly yelling “Bebe! Bebe! Need to get to casa for bebe!!”.  Totally freaking out and speaking a made-up language -  I was hoping he’d get my point. 

My arms were flying around in the air in exaggerated motions.  Adam grabbed them and brought them to my sides.  He gripped tightly around my biceps to keep me still; looking kind of like one does when about to shake the crazy out of a person. He looked into my bugged eyes and said everything was fine. He said we would be on a flight in a few hours. He then told me to stop acting nuts or they probably would detain us, pegging me for mental.  I wandered off with a look of emotional exhaustion and popped the cap off my Xanax.  I didn’t care that I needed anxiety meds and alcohol to help me through the trip - the point was that I was able to spend days away from my baby and return to her safely.

Now, it has been many years grounded at home. While mothering two kids that provoke me to yearn for an escape sometimes, I no longer cry to be with them but rather, I get upset and go crazy when we don’t get our mini-vacation without them!

For me, pulling off my Spanx is like popping a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls.  One twist and soft white blobs of skin emerge, falling like melted marshmallow onto itself.  But regardless of the work it takes to get into my lifesaving girdle, and the pain and sweat while wearing it, I can't live without it for formal events or even when I am wearing a form-fitting, semi-appropriate, dress for business meetings.  Having to travel for work, it would be a total sin to forget my undergarment savior, especially in LA.  Which is exactly why I didn't mind that strange eyes were watching me as I poured my Pillsbury dough ass into my spandex casing.

Before ever leaving Jersey, I was already feeling pressure  to be perfect - I was heading to LA, the city of beautiful women plus I was going to a business meeting at a well-regarded beauty company; so this would mean a building full of beautiful people.  I had to look perfect - slim, stylish, sharp and smart (that list being my order of importance).

Considering the time of the meeting and the transcontinental flight, I had to be travel in my meeting attire.  I had opted for a sleek royal blue dress with black piping down the sides, around the sleeves, collar and hem.  It was form fitting but with my slimming Spanx, the dress would fit fine.  However, I didn't want to wear the body shaper on the entire six hour flight.  To avoid the restriction and discomfort, I decided to make the trip sans Spanx and instead covered my flawed self under a blanket while on-board.

Once we touched-down in The City of Angels, I had to haul ass to get a cab to make the meeting on time. It was a total piss-off that airport delays took away any buffer time and I found myself running through the terminal to grab the first cab that was available.  After sitting for hours cramped on a plane, I was happy that the cab I snagged happened to be a spacious mini-van with it's mid-section stripped of seats to make room for wheelchairs.    I was even happier that I now had much more room to prep and primp. And a Jersey girl's primping is more than just powdering her nose.

I propped a mirror on the arm of the seat across from me and began to freshen my makeup, tighten my pony, and apply deodorant.  My beauty tools were strewn around the spacious back area of the cab like I was at home in my bedroom.

I whipped my Spanx out of my bag and hesitated for only a minute as I thought maybe I shouldn't put them on in the presence of the driver.  But fear of looking lumpy in my dress and not having time to put them on at all when I finally  got to the office trumped my worry that the driver would see more of me than was good for either of us.  

I kept checking the rear view mirror to keep my eye on the driver. At first, I tried to heave myself into them discreetly but struggled. So fuck it -- I knew I’d never see this guy again.  I pulled up my dress to my mid-drift to really yank on the modern-day girdle. I was breathing heavy and sweating. I would see the driver's eyes cut over to meet mine as he checked his mirror periodically - perhaps curious or stunned, amused or maybe (and my sick hope) turned on (come on... I’d like to think I still got it!).

Once we arrived at my destination, I got out of the car like this strange man didn't just see my bush through my white lace panties.  He looked me up and down while smiling as he helped me with my bag. I walked away feeling his eyes on my ass and somehow it helped propel my confidence.  I was now feeling slim, stylish, sharp, smart and sexy.  All things needed for a meeting with the beautiful in a town that had no room for the Pillsbury Dough Girl.