I actually didn’t notice the impact that my growing nose made on my face until I saw myself in pictures. I would however notice when something changed in a personal area. And how could I not? What were small, pink nipples on my B-cup boob, became dark as Hershey Kisses and as large as a coffee-cup saucers. My pregnancy breasts had filled out to a solid C (yay!) but the nipples that topped them were actually bigger than my entire pre-baby boob.
The pressure I felt often in my vagina made me nothing but curious to take a mirror down there and check it out. I couldn’t believe it. I looked like I had a hairy hot dog bun between my legs. My labia were puffy and hard and swollen. Ouch and ew.
As I moved the mirror slightly for further exploration – I noticed the worst change ever. A hemorrhoid. I had heard women getting them after labor but I didn’t think it would be before. And there seems to be nothing but horror stories about these things and I had never had one before. I went to have it removed pretty much because it was painful but also because of the stigma that came along with the flaw.
When my doctor entered the exam room I was already rolled over on my side with my big, giant, white ass, exposed. He was a little man and reminded me of George Burns because of his black-rimmed glasses and grey hair. He seemed to be at ease with making light conversation even though I was ass up. Unfazed, he would interject pleasantries and “old-timer” jokes during the exam.
While he was checking out my “hemmy” he said how he could see how it would be painful considering the size. Good, for once I wasn’t being dramatic. He then said that he would be right back and he left the room. I figured he was going to get the tools he needed to remove it or reduce the size.
After about five minutes he returned and immediately apologized that he had left the room for so long, explaining that he hadn’t had a break yet and needed to get a quick bite to eat. I told him that was totally fine but in my head I was like - "what? How on earth can this man look at my asshole, remember he hasn’t eaten and then actually go and consume something?! He knew he was going to come back to me, put his head in my ass again, and then perform a gross procedure!"
I know they say doctors see everything and are hardly fazed anymore - but seriously!? I don’t know what he went off and had for lunch but I imagined him eating a Roast Beef sandwich. Whatever his meal of choice, I was glad he came back to help. I left the office feeling like a woman in less pain and with a new ass - but I assure you, I was the furthest thing from hungry.