Women in the office were talking about dieting and pooping.....in mixed company. (!!!!!!!) I wanted to die. Look, as you may have noticed, I will talk about anything - vaginas, yeast infections, cunnilingus or more - to any guy or gal, any time. But anything that comes out of a woman's ass (farts, poo, etc.) should really be off limits around the opposite sex (I actually just cringed while writing those gross butt words!). Girls are supposed to be pretty and flowery for the most part! And it's really bad conversation material -- all bad mental images, all bad jokes, all bad smells. (Gagging!) Just ALL bad. Seeeeee...I do have standards and a sense of etiquette. Who would've thought?!
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I wore a professional black dress to a client meeting the other day. After work, I was meeting my girlfriends for dinner and so I wanted to change into something a little more casual. My chosen attire for girls night was a white and blue striped dress. Considering that, I avoided wearing colorful panties and wore white lace ones so that you couldn't see my underwear through my dinner dress. When I got to the client office I went to the bathroom before going upstairs to the meeting room. As I was drying my hands, I turned to look at the back of my dress in the mirror and realized that anyone could see my white thong through the thin dark dress. Oh. Come. On. So naturally the only solution was to take my underwear off. And now there I was, in my first meeting with a new client without my panties. A "Sharon Stone" move would make a great first impression, wouldn't you say?!
I wore white jeans after Labor Day. A friend remarked that it was a fashion faux pas. Really? This chick didn’t just meet me. Everyone knows I shop in the Juniors department and pretty much wear things that are too short, too tight and probably too young. I proved my point about my questionable fashion standards by telling her that I had just recently worn a hot pink bustier under a black see-through collard shirt to work. And even though the blouse was a button-down with cuffs on the sleeves, I knew this may have been pressing the business casual limits by wearing lingerie to the office. Wheeeee!
I keep all sorts of things in my bra. Believe me - with my tiny tits - there is plenty of extra storage room. But for those who don’t know this about me, it might be shocking to see me pull money, a tissue, my debit card, lipstick or phone out from inside my shirt. I do believe though that it may have been most surprising when I was in the middle of a meeting and I took a handful of mints out of my bra and tossed the warm candies on the conference room table. My boss nearly spit her coffee out across the room. Hmmm....looks like she could use a mint to cut that bad taste in her mouth. Yay for me for being prepared with an offering!
While presenting a marketing campaign for a rental car company to our client, we made reference to a past ad for Volvo. It was deemed a Freudian slip when I pointed to the creative and referred to it as the “ad for Vulva.” Laughter broke out around the table – men, women and me, of course. Whoopsie! But now I couldn’t help but picture everyone naked. Is it wrong I was hoping they were doing it for me too – and that I looked damn good in their vision?
After a client meeting out of town, I was sitting on an airplane waiting for it to take flight, when all of a sudden the entire plane lost power. The pilot came out into the aisle to announce that someone “tripped over the cord and unplugged the plane.” What the hell? The plane is plugged in? To what? How? I would have thought he was kidding but he was really pissed. He said we’d have to wait a bit for the operating systems to reboot. It really wasn’t very comforting to think that in just a bit I would be a million feet off the ground in a thing that was partly powered the same way as my fucking hair straightener. Xanax please!
I was traveling for work and was awaiting my departing flight at my favorite terminal spot, the airport bar. Ha! When I had to wonder....a bowl of almonds are on a bar and out of my reach....how do I politely ask two men to pass me their nuts? Whatever I did worked, I got the nuts and a free drink. Wheeee!
The bathroom is a totally reasonable place to take work conference calls when working from home when I fear the background noise of kids, husband and dog. However, not sure I am making the best decisions while I am listening and talking but also examining my face for imperfections and trying on new eye shadows.
I am not a fitness person. I will admit that to anyone. So when our office manager wanted to recruit me for a 5k corporate marathon, it took the promise of beer at the finish line and a mention that I was the only employee who hadn't signed up, to get me to commit. I love booze and I hate being left out. I ran the race. Ok that's an exaggeration. I started out running and then walked briskly after the first 1/2 mile. I proudly crossed the finish line at 45 minutes. Right next to a pregnant woman, a 60 year old and a guy in a wheelchair. I kid you not.
My work computer had been having trouble and so when I had to call our IT department to help me troubleshoot, I had to tell them my password. As I recited the characters in order aloud, I was certain this particular security code was not a good move. After a slight pause, I apologized for acting out in anger and changing my password to "1Fuck_this" .
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