I went to see a therapist. I sat across from her and began to answer her questions. She was about 65-years-old wearing a short black dress embellished with large red roses. While I was crying when telling her about my woes, I asked her for a tissue. When she leaned over to hand me the box - she uncrossed her legs. And that’s when I noticed, without a doubt that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. I have no idea what I said in the session after the moment. It’s all a blur. Although – her reveal was quite clear. I made the decision to never go back after that first visit. After all, I was supposed to be the one with questionable behavior and problems. Feeling more like a fellow pea in her pod, I just didn’t think we’d have great doctor and patient success. It was just my basic instinct.
Like others, my kids were doing gymnastics on the beach. Always impressed with my stellar moves, they asked me to do a few cartwheels and a split for them. I chugged my drink and got up out of my chair. Before I could launch into a haphazard attempt to flip in any way, the girls asked me (100 times, I swear!) to watch them do their tricks. With each request they said “Mom watch! Mom look! Mom watch!” I told them if they wanted me to do anything, they needed to stop calling me “Mom”. I asked them to call me Nicole instead so when anyone on this very public beach saw my fat, Coppertone white, 39-year-old ass doing flips, they would think I was a drunk older sister and not some delusional parent thinking “I still had it”. At their first request of Nicole, I did a split. BOOM! (And ouch…definitely don’t still have it….)
My cousin and I thought we were showing off some mad skills in a tube in the ocean. We sat on either side of the plastic circle and like a buoy we bobbled over the waves with ease. We were laughing and having fun until a huge wave crashed on us and we were sent rolling toward the shore. Stuck in the tube together, even after the ocean kicked our asses, we flopped onto the sand with our arms and legs intertwined in the hole of the tube like a doughnut oozing humans. I can assure you that there is nothing more attractive then two clumsy, pale people rolling around on top of each other trying to get up while stuck inside a cumbersome inflatable tube. Bathing suits askew, lots of unflattering white flesh showing, hair in our eyes. Her tit was practically in my mouth, my hand placement questionable on her and of course, tons of sand where sand should never be. Like a turtle flipped on his back on the beach and struggling to get up, we were a spectacle for a good five minutes. Sadly, our family just watched us from their beach chairs and didn’t even help us. I cant say I blame ‘em…we were pretty embarrassing. But I was still pissed at Adam for not coming to my rescue. I yelled across the beach to him and told him to have our drinks ready for when we got out of this mess. The only way I was drowning today would be in my Mai Tai.
So, I am going to admit it - today was Ella’s first day of cheer camp and I was so excited for her (I welled up of course when she put her uniform on). So what would any not-far-from-middle-aged, former cheerleader who was feeling nostalgic, do? Go up to the attic, shake the dust of my old squad pom-poms and break into my high school cheers! I could tell she wanted to be impressed but instead, she acted totally embarrassed. Oh poor girl, this is only the beginning.
Collection of comic strips that illustrate the madness of my life - career, marriage, motherhood...me!
Click on any of the categories above or the "previous" link at the end of the page to see some moments that have stripped me of my sanity.