I recently went out to a bachelorette party with five other girls that were about 10-years younger than me. When "Lemon Drop" shots lined the bar, I didn’t want to feel old or lame and so I threw mine back in seconds after the toast. When I finally opened my eyes after contorting my entire face from the taste of the shot, I noticed that - of course - I would be the only one that didn’t just suck on the lemon but actually ate it. Now I felt old, lame and beastly. Seriously, why do I have no self control for any type of eating? I really had to eat the bar fruit?
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Adam and I like to live in the moment, if we have $20 in our pocket – we spend it. And most times, it is on something frivolous like a night out drinking or a weekend away. So it was funny to me when our friends, who are much more conservative with their spending, told us that they spontaneously blew a few bucks on something crazy and said they pulled a “Marino” (which is our last name). Similarly, we have friends that have woken up with the worst hangovers after hanging out with us the previous night and said that they had been “Marino’d”. Haha! I just love that we are an adjective – and for all bad things! Come get Marino-D!
I have this obsession with wishing that I had long hair. It’s borderline crazy. To help the growth process, I have started taking tons of various vitamins – and some of them are huge. The other day I swallowed three at a time and one got lodged in my throat. I stood in the doorway of our bathroom, banging on the wall so that Adam would come help me. He ran over and I did the universal sign for choking. My eyes were watering, my face was red and even after trying to drink several gulps of water, the fucking vitamin was still stuck! Naturally, I was starting to panic. Adam kept telling me to calm down – which was actually just pissing me off. But I really flipped when he left the room to get his ever-present phone. What the fuck! How can he not stay and help me! I followed him, with one hand still around my neck and the other waving in the air trying to get his attention. He moved about the kitchen, phone in hand. I watched him rummage through the pantry and eventually produce little balled up pieces of bread. He told me to swallow them to move the pill down my throat. I did this and after what felt like five minutes of burning esophagus pain, the pill dislodged. I asked how he knew what to do, he said he Google’d it. I swear I would have bet my life – which seemed to have almost ended – that he was not trying to save me but that he was actually looking up how long it takes to cash in on life insurance after death. Sometimes, marriage is just dark like that.
We were at a party that had a dance floor. It was pretty fancy and we were all wearing dresses. Vanessa ran out on the floor and did a cartwheel (to the best of her ability). Ella yelled after her “Vanessa, everyone can see your patootie.” And I yelled over to Ella - “don’t worry babe - that’s what a dance floor is for!” Adam looked at me and said dryly, “you are never going dancing with your girlfriends without me.” OK – maybe that wasn’t exactly what I meant.
I find that as parents, me and Adam have to come up with creative ways to have sex when the children are up and around (hey - we take any moment we can since we are both usually too tired before bed!). One day, Adam was out doing yard work and the kids were busy painting crafts in the kitchen. Living on a secluded street, I thought it would be funny to go out to the backyard wearing nothing and holding the leaf blower. I made it to the edge of the patio before I realized Adam was not alone and was talking to our landscaper. When I yelped, they both looked over. Oddly, the only thing I thought about at that moment was how glad I was that I had landscaped myself.
Years ago Adam and I went to my boss’ wedding. A typical Italian affair, there were hundreds of people invited and we knew about 10. While Adam and I were at the cocktail hour, we looked around for familiar folks to sit with and found no one. We pulled up to a table with guests already in place, we made a light introduction and began noshing on the pre-event fare. When I explained that we were guests at the wedding because I worked with the groom, everyone was surprised as it was said that everyone at the table also worked with the groom. This was not possible – me and the groom were like, two of 15 people in our office – and all of the faces at the table were unfamiliar! And well of course I didn’t know them, because they didn’t work with my boss – they worked with someone named Mark – and we then realized we had spent the entire hour in the wrong cocktail hour.
Waiting on a table at a restaurant, we were in the bar area (of course) with the kids. My 9-year old Ella was acting crazy/embarrassing and I actually yelled “Ella! This is not how we act in a bar!" A second later I said “Wait. Sorry. I guess you would have no idea how to act in a bar.”
Forgetting his contact lens case on an overnight trip together, Adam used a glass in the hotel room to store his “eyes”. In the middle of the night, I woke up groggy, still very drunk and in desperate need of water. I saw the glass with water in it already, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke to Adam standing over me with an empty glass in his hand. With my eyes barely opened, my hair a mess, pajamas askew, and drool running down the side of my red-wine stained lips, I looked up at him. He asked me if I knew where his contacts were. It took me a minute to recall using the glass to cure dehydration caused by massive amounts of wine at dinner. “I drank them", I said. He flipped out and I fell face first into my pillow. He was not blinded by the humor.
There is nothing worse than trying to find new friends in town and realizing just moments into an arranged family “play date” that you have nothing in common. This happened to Adam and I when we went to the home of Ella’s classmate. There were photos all over the walls of the parents and kids biking, hiking and in marathons. I don’t think anyone in our family would run even if a bear was chasing us. Anyway, the worst part was that they offered us something to drink and produced ONE six pack of Budweiser NIPS! When Adam and I downed those in 2.5 seconds, they admitted to having nothing else but cooking wine. I accepted that and drank it – all. Adam raided their medicine cabinet for anything good but came up empty-handed. It was the longest family play date and the last with them! We needed to find friends with less gym equipment and more booze. Any takers?
Me and the girls pull into the driveway after a day of an unplanned shopping spree. We have many bags with newly purchased goods – clothes, jewelry, shoes....Ella sees Adam's car in driveway and says "uh-oh, dad's home...we should hide these bags in the garage!" Well done my girl, well done.
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